‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End’ the Drinking Game

'Pirates of the Caribbean: at World's End' the Drinking Game life well hustled

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The rum’s never gone, here.

Hello, friends. Welcome back to my “official” series of drinking to and kibbitzing about the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise in honor of the upcoming fifth installment, ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’. Today, may I present ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End’ the Drinking Game, wherein the game is a drink for every time this movie makes me say, ‘Wait. What the f**k?’

Which is like… every five seconds.

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Drink #1 when you realize how incredibly dark and dirty this is for a Disney movie

I mean, the opening scene is a mass execution where they hang a child. And, since the kid is the one who starts everyone singing the national anthem of pirates, that’s an admission of guilt, right? Also, just a thought: it looks as though they are hanging hundreds, if not thousands, of people. Wikipedia tells me that the population of Port Royal never passed 7,000. This is genocide, people. In a Disney film. Also, from a practical point of view, if you’re killing off 10% or more of your colony, what happens when you get rid of the people who make your food and clothes and such?

I just realized that the run time of this movie is 2 hours and 39 minutes. Dear Lord, hang me instead.

As for the dirty bits, there’s a point when it’s suggested that Elizabeth pulls a gun out of her vagina. I’m not kidding.

And in the interest of equality for the male genitalia, let’s not forget the unsubtle dick jokes when Jack compares the length of his telescope against Barbossa’s.

I’m not saying it’s not funny. I’m just saying it’s dirty and Disney.

Drink #2 when the handwaving and Deus Ex Machinas start early

I’ve already defined it twice for the first two movies, but for the uninitiated:

handwaving is used in literary, film and other media criticism of speculative fiction to refer to a plot device (e.g., a scientific discovery, a political development, or rules governing the behavior of a fictional creature) that is left unexplained or sloppily explained because it is convenient to the story, with the implication that the writer is aware of the logical weakness but hopes the audience will not notice or will suspend disbelief

Similarly:

A Deus Ex Machina is the term that has evolved to mean a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the inspired and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object.

The f**kery was strong in the first two movies, and At World’s End is no exception. By my count, we’ve got:

  • The Magical Mysterious Mystical Map of Sao Feng: this allows our wayward travelers to sail to and back from Davy Jones’ locker. But… where did Sao Feng get it? How and why does it work? Not only that, but as we learn at the end, it includes how to get to the Fountain of Youth.
  • That obeah woman… Tia Dalma: yes, she’s the goddess Calypso in human form. But, what exactly are the limits of her power? She can bring Barbossa back from the dead, and she can turns stones into crabs to find Jack in Davy Jones’ locker, but she can’t use her voodoo to escape from the brig of the Pearl?
  • The fact that the Brethren Court of pirate lords are actually wizards: Davy Jones says he’s the one who told the first brethren court how to perform the ritual to bind Calypso to human form (which, how did Jones know this important bit of information?) But, the pirate lords themselves… aren’t they just normal humans? How exactly this did they perform this feat?
  • The Black Pearl can outrun the Flying Dutchman for some reason: the Flying Dutchman being captained and crewed by immortal, undead sailors that doubles as a f**king submarine, but a man-made ship is faster and can outrun her because… reasons. Can someone explain to me why exactly a magical ship is constrained by the laws of physics?

Drink #3 when you lose track of the plot because it’s so goddamn bloated and confusing

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There’s actually two plots happening at the same time in these movies:

  1. Jack’s storyline with Davey Jones. He owes Jones his 100 years of servitude for raising the Pearl from the depths of the sea, but Jack reneges and runs from Jones. Jones sets the krakken on him and eventually ‘dies’. He comes back in this movie, thereby undoing nearly the entire plot of the second movie.
  2. Lord Beckett, the new villain for the sake of having a villain, is just going around and being an asshole and executing ten year olds.

There’s zero reason why those two plots should happen at the same time. But, they do, and they’re the reason why these movies are so f**king confusing. Such as:

  • Our heroes needed the magical, mysterious, mystical map of Sao Feng to know where to sail to reach Davy Jones’ locker. Right before they sail over the edge of the world a cliff, Barbossa says that they are lost. So, if you needed to be lost to find the locker, why did you need the map at all?
  • Three betrayals in five minutes: here’s a recap if you missed it all. Will betrays Jack for the Pearl with the help of Sao Feng. Sao Feng betrays Will for the Pearl with the help of the Brits. The Brits then betray Sao Feng because they’re dicks, I guess. Side note: the Brits are dicks to the pirates who outnumber them two to one. It makes sense that when the pirates attack them right then and there that they aren’t surprised. I like to imagine that they just shrug it off and say, “Yes. We likely deserved this.”
    There’s also Jack acting as a double-agent with the Brits. He leads them to Shipwreck Cove so that Beckett will clear his name with Jones. He then sends Will to the Brits to act in his stead. Then they parlay and with no words spoken, Elizabeth infers what Will and Jack’s intentions are and proposes a swapsies between Will and Jack.
  • The Brethren Court has (somewhat) elected Elizabeth as their pirate king. She makes an official order to stand and fight, but then they immediately go against her and set Calypso free. Earlier, Keith Richards shot a random extra for saying, “Hang the code”, but when they directly disobey their new pirate king, it’s all kosher for some reason?

It’s like the plot of the movie is a mere vehicle to carry the audience to that “impressive” whirlpool-on-the-ocean fight scene at the end.

Drink #4 unimportant and angsty moments between Will and Elizabeth

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If you remember, I vehemently oppose Will and Elizabeth as a couple. I staunchly do not ship them (heh). It stems from my hatred for lazy storytelling, which is exactly what has happened with these two characters. The first movie introduced us to them meeting as children when Elizabeth and co. saved Will from a burning shipwreck. The movie fast-forwarded us ten years, where Will is apparently at the point of longing looks and saying Elizabeth’s name softly to himself. That’s it. That’s their entire backstory and apparently the justification for their heart-wrenching, swashbuckling, and swooning love-story that’s three movies long.

Ergo…

“I don’t care about them as a couple” + “This movie is three hours long” + “their angsty bullshit” = mega rage.

They fight over the fact that Elizabeth made the executive decision to sacrifice Jack in the last movie. There’s mistrust between them, but then later Will betrays Jack for the Pearl. At that point, Elizabeth somehow doesn’t mention that Will’s a big fat hypocrite for not letting her in on that little secret.

Drink # 5 when comic relief leads to the grisly demise of an entire ship full of Brits

I suppose this ties in to the first drink where I mentioned how dark this Disney movie is. But, it deserves its own drink:

The two bumbling British idiots from the first movie guard the Dead Man’s Chest aboard the Flying Dutchman. Jack literally walks up and steals the chest from under their noses because they’re debating the political correctness of ‘The Fish People’. Hilarious!

…except when you consider the fact that this is the exact moment the Brits lost control of Jones and the Dutchman. And that leads to Beckett’s, the crew’s, and the Endeavor’s fiery destruction by the Dutchman and the Pearl. Fun fact: neither the Pearl nor the Dutchman took any survivors aboard as prisoners. So, literally everyone died except for the original two oafs because they snuck aboard the Pearl. Good for them for having the foresight to see the consequences of their (in)actions! Life lesson, kids.

Drink #6 for Elizabeth’s overwrought and overwritten Kisses of Death

Did you notice it? The fact that everybody Elizabeth kisses dies in some way or another? Considering that the first two movies somewhat dubiously pass the Bechdel Test, and that this movie also only barely passes said test, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the decision to make Elizabeth’s kisses deadly.

To recap:

  1. She kissed Jack in the second movie as a scheme to sacrifice him to the krakken.
  2. Sao Feng, admittedly forcibly, kisses her while aboard their ship and then immediately dies via impalement.
  3. Aboard the Dutchman, Norrington kisses her and is almost immediately killed by Bootstrap.
  4. She and Will marry and have a swoony kiss. Davy Jones shortly thereafter stabs him through the heart.

She goes to kiss Jack again at the end, and he (smartly) turns her away by saying, “Once is quite enough.”

Drink #7 for Elizabeth’s confusing end-story

We leave Elizabeth as the newly elected Pirate King. Not only that, but she is the captain of Sao Feng’s ship, if not his fleet. Not only that, but she has committed what must amount to treason for all of her piracy and destroying the Endeavor and such. Not only that, but there’s nothing left for her in Port Royal or anywhere else; Will is gone, and she’s no longer the governor’s daughter (as, remember, he’s super dead) – all of this is assuming that she’s not immediately jailed and executed as soon as she steps foot back in a British colony.

So… why doesn’t she continue on with her badass life of piracy and being a motherf**king king? Because she wants a better life for her kid?

GIRL. Being a pirate is the better life. Have you learned nothing from the past three movies?

FFS.

.+++.

After Movie Shots!

Shot #1 for Governor Swann getting meta. That is, when he references the fact that he was killed off for asking questions about Davy Jones’ heart, “Silly thing to die for.” Yes, yes it is. It’s like the writers knew that it didn’t make that much sense and decided that self-deprecation would spare them my the audience’s ire.

Shot #2 for the random Brit also got meta. He pondered, “Do you think he makes it up as he goes along?” about Jack, but I’d like to think that he actually referencing the movie in which he lives.

Shot #3 when the Pirate Lords literally did nothing at all during the 45-minute fight scene. The Pearl did all the work, but that doesn’t stop them from celebrating when the Brits turn tail and run.

Shots #4 – #99,999 for all the moments when this movie decided to say, “You know what? F**k physics.” 

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.+++.

Hope you enjoyed ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End’ the Drinking Game. I’ll definitely be back with a fourth installment before the fifth movie is released. That way, you can binge watch and drink responsibly to all four movies in one go. In the mean time, why not go back and check out the previous installments:


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